Now nobody's saying the Chatsworth Estate is the Garden of Eden,
but it's been a good home to us, to me,
Frank Gallagher, and me kids who l'm proud of, cos every single one of 'em
reminds me a little of me.
They can all think for themselves, which they've got me to thank for.
Lip, who's a bit of a gobshite, which is why nobody calls him Phillip any more.
lan, a lot like his mam, which is handy for the others cos she's disappeared into thin air.
And Carl. We daren't let him grow his hair for two reasons -
it makes it stand on end and makes him look like Toyah, and nits love him.
Debbie - sent by God, total angel.
You've to check your change but she'll go miles out of her way
to do you a favour,
plus lickle Liam, who's gonna be a star some day.
Sheila, me bird, couldn't be happier. One plate short of a full set, like.
And fantastic neighbours Kev and Veronica - lend ya anything,
well, almost anything.
Carol and Marty - the lodgers from hell. Last of the lonely hearts
and a psychologist's wet dream. Still, nobody's perfect.
But all of 'em to a man know first and foremost
one of the most vital necessities in life is they know how to throw a party!
Heh, heh, heh, scatter!
(Debbie) 'ln social studies, we learnt that when families first started,
'it was because we were primitive hunter-gatherers who needed
the family unit to protect the weaker, younger members.
'That way, they could survive and become the next lot of hunter-gatherers.'
State of her!
Carl, get her next door, now! Now!
Sorry, Carol, but l did make it clear it was guest list only.
Must be something l've eaten.
Come here, Carol. Come on.
Concentrate.
Cheeky vimto. What you on about?
lt's got vodka in it, Carol.
l told Debbie straight off. No spirits, no class A's.
Fuck me.
Looks like a party.
(Debbie) 'They reckon that since the industrial revolution,
'the modern family has developed into a different unit.
'Now its main role is the emotional and moral welfare of the young.
'What's that about? l mean, as long as there isn't
'a woolly mammoth biting my arse, l can look after myself, ta very much.'
lf you fancy a bit of chill-out space, you can come next door.
- Oi! Out! - lt's much quieter.
Lip, you promised!
You know that were Nicola?
Yeah.
What, in Debbie's class?
Yeah.
Christ. Arse on her, though.
What do you think?
Fantastic.
l wasn't sure about the material.
lt's always a bit iffy from the catalogue.
You just can't tell looking at it.
You're gorgeous. Fuck your brains out!
Yeah, but you don't think the straps are a bit funny?
See what l mean?
All right, which colour do you like?
That one.
l always think cream washes me out.
Oh, l got a top an' all.
Sue, l don't give a fuck. Just come here, will yer?
What the fuck's that?
Don't think so. Everybody out.
Shut up and get out!
That's it. Come on.
You trying to turn the place into a shag pit?
lt's nothing to do with me! Must've had a power cut.
Nice try, Debs.
Lip! lt's not even midnight!
Come on, keep moving.
Come on. That's it.
Where's Liam?
Party? He stayed the night at Kev and Veronica's, duh!
No, l mean, aren't you taking him to school?
You can do it. One night, l ask for some consideration,
l ask for the place to myself, no interference, but you treat me like a little kid.
Well, if l'm a little kid, l'll start acting like one.
And little kids can't look after their little brothers.
Leccy's gone, you div.
Debbie!
Kettle's bust. And l've got a mouth like a goat's lavatory.
Carol. Give me a heart attack.
lt's the leccy. Went off last night. None in the Gallaghers, either.
For you. Just junk mail by the look of it.
They've come!
Fucking hell. Tonight Matthew, l'm Myra Hindley.
Fuck off.
Least l don't look like Ken fucking Dodd.
Hey. Cyprus, eh?
Sex on the beach. Mile High Club.
You dirty bitch.
ls it really a mile up?
How d'you mean?
Well, up in the sky, is it a mile up, like?
l don't know, do l? l mean it must be,
if that's what they call it.
Oh, no, no Veronica, Veronica. Not with Liam here.
l feel a bit weird.
He's asleep. l've checked on him. Come on.
No. 'Ere y'are. Look, look, l need a wazz anyway.
Veronica, Have you not got any butter?
l can only find that diet spread stuff.
For fuck's sake.
Hiya, babe.
Hiya.
Another dead soldier.
No more until he's paid. Your tab's frozen, Frank.
You're on pay as you go.
''Your tab's frozen. No more tab.'' Thank you, Nat fucking West.
MOUTHS
No, sorry. Got holiday coming up.
Need all my spare change for spending money.
Oh. Thatcher's children, Kevin.
Always wanting more, surrounding ourselves with things.
Yeah, well, me and V haven't been away in nearly six years, so...
lnstant gratification.
Sheila's the same. ''lt's for the wedding Frank.
''You know we're on a tight budget.'' Tenner to last me a fucking week.
Tommy!
Lovely.
Smoke alarms. Council has to fit 'em all as standard now.
They pay a fortune for kite marks and all that shit.
Fucking tax-payer's money isn't it?
They bear no responsibility, these people.
Got it in one, Frank.
So me and Phil, we pick up a load of Korean units for next to nowt, right?
Then we install them and flog the pricey ones up in Chorlton.
Nice little earner.
FRANK CHUCKLES
Here we go.
You on vitamins, or what?
Another nice little earner.
Drug trials. l get £200 quid for taking these for three weeks.
Do fuck all as far as l can see.
Mind you, l do have a permanent boner.
Liam not back from karate yet?
Shit!
My name is Judith, and l'm an alcoholic.
Do you mind if l have a word?
Don't tell Lip cos l'm on strike, but l rang the electricity company
and they've not made a mistake about the bill.
They won't restore the supply until we've paid. Will yer sort it?
Can we pay your electricity bill?
We run off the same supply.
Steve hooked it up when he and Fiona lived next door.
lt made it easier for him to take care of everything.
Did you know about this?
No.
Not right, is it?
Not right, it's criminal.
Hang on. l gave you £50 pound to pay the electricity bill
not two weeks ago. What happened to it?
You know what?
l bet l forgot to post it. l'm always doing that.
Stamp on, then it stays in me bag for months.
l'll sort it tomorrow.
We'll sort it now.
How many bags have you got?
Nicola's got one like that.
lt's yours. l never use it.
Ahh. Thanks Sue.
Ladies. Bitches. lt'll be getting dark soon. Bonfire night!
Marty!
Sue can't find the electric bill.
l thought you told me you'd paid it.
l have. l've just not posted it on.
lt won't be in there.
When are you going to tell us what's going on?
What are you trying to infer, Carol?
l've got eyes in me head, unlike Marty. New outfit every 20 minutes.
Marty, will you tell her?
Fuck, shit, wank!
l needed the money for the leccy cos l've got meself
into a bit of debt, OK?
ls that what you wanted to hear?
How much debt?
l'm waiting on that money from Craig's dad's house.
< lt'll clear it with thousands to spare.
Why should l put my life on hold?
How much?
12 grand.
(Sue) Some of them are really nasty.
County court orders and that.
You'll end up inside if you're not careful.
l'm really sorry, Marty.
- Hey, we'll sort it together, OK? - Hm!
ls this it though? ls this the lot? You've got to be honest with me, OK?
Titwank! No more trying to hide it.
Way of life with her. >
Mum. Just piss off out of it, will yer?
Thank you.
No problem.
lt's like you say, this money that you're owed from Craig,
well there must be some way to throw 'em a bone.
- Do you hate me? - Course l don't.
Blood-sucking bitch!
l love yer!
Sue! You're the best thing that's ever happened to me, no contest.
Debs' on strike! lt's doing me head in.
Liam, shoes.
No bread left.
l haven't had time to shop, have l?
We'll get you some crisps on the way to school.
Where's your socks, Liam?
l don't know.
KNOCK ON DOOR
- Come in. - Hiya.
Morning.
l'm loving the bag, babe.
Thanks!
See ya. >
Look, you're just gonna have to wear a pair of mine.
They're a bit big but...
Lip, it hurts!
OK fine, no frigging socks!
Go bare feet.
Yeah? Don't ask or owt.
l haven't got any of my own clean, have l? l'm off out after school.
Oh, who's gonna make tea for these two then?
l'm supposed to be seeing Katie and Mandy tonight.
- Can't Carl manage? - What?
Shit. This is it, you know. Once Debbie cops off
with some horny little loser, this is our lives, lan.
- We just need a routine and that. - Yeah.
Well, no, you're right, we need a plan. Nip it in the bud.
Scruff.
lt's just a few questions about your lifestyle, Mr Gallagher.
Right you are, love. Nothing there to frighten the horses. Happy to oblige.
Right. Male or female.
Oh, definitely a yes!
l'll just... Yeah.
Oh, diet.
Do you eat five portions of fruit and vegetables a day?
Do l look like fucking Bugs Bunny?
Yes.
How much alcohol do you consume weekly?
A, no alcohol, B, one to 21 units.
Weekly? Yeah, weekly.
C, over 21 units.
l see you say you don't drink, Mr Gallagher.
Yeah, well me mum was a Methodist, love.
Promised her, on her deathbed.
We'll have to keep your details on the file.
This particular trial involves
taking the drug in conjunction with at least two units of alcohol a day.
Ohh.
All right, l'll do it. Well, me mum was a wonderful woman, you know.
She was...actually she was devoted to medical science.
Absolutely devoted to it.
She could have trained up if she'd had the opportunities, donated her body...
you know her eyes, an' all that.
And that was the other thing that she said to me, on her deathbed.
''Son, promise me you'll do everything you can for medical science.''
So l'm here.
lt's Lady Muck you should be asking for money, not me.
l said from the get-go she was trouble.
Feet under the table before you could say Jack Robinson.
Sue hasn't got the money.
lf you don't pay to get us re-connected, it's not gonna happen.
We're all brassic at ours.
Fine state of affairs this is.
We're supposed to be your tenants, not your parents.
Yeah, and we're charging you 30 quid a week less than you're claiming
in housing benefits.
l'm supposed to be putting a bit by for my old age. Nobody cares.
Thanks. And if any of the lads ask yer, you sorted it yourself.
You know you'll get blackheads from putting so much make-up on.
< Clogs your pores!
A foaming tankard of your finest ale, mein inn-keeper!
Frank, you know how it is.
Eh? Eh? Eh?
Half now, half on completion of the trial.
lt's not just the money. You feel like you're putting a bit back.
Well, l suppose it's you or them monkeys they grow the tumours on.
How many of them tablets are you having to take then, Frank?
Er, three every four hours. Oh.
Four every three hours.
So basically Debt Crunchers, in agreement with yourself,
take what's known as a consolidation loan.
You're probably wondering what the heck that is.
Basically it's a way for us to pay off all your debts.
Then we organise it for yourselves to pay one basic monthly fee to us.
Sounds too good to be true.
lt is! People don't realise. You're home-owners, obviously.
- She is. Well, when... - Yes!
No worries.
No one's ever looked after me like you do.
l love looking after you, you know l do.
l'd do anything l can.
Ball and chain!
But these loans and that though...
Well you hear about people paying 'em off for years.
Yeah, but it's not gonna be years, is it?
Once Craig comes good. l mean that's what l'm saying.
The day he's sold that house, the sky's the limit.
To the future.
Mud in yer eye. Come on yer face!
Fuck it.
Sue?
We're going to bed Mum! We're shattered. >
You've got a visitor.
You're looking well.
What the fuck are you doing here?
We've just been having a little chat, haven't we, Craig?
You poisonous old bitch! >
She's stirring it again. What's she been saying?
l haven't been saying anything. lt's what Craig's been telling me.
- You're upsetting Sue. - She's had it, Marty!
This is none of your business!
He's my son and you're taking him for a ride.
- l'm taking him for nothing. - Tell him!
She's had the money from me dad's house.
Ten grand, nearly eight month ago.
Same old story, is it? Spunked the lot?
But you said...
The lies never stop, do they, Sue?
- Marty! - For God's sake!
Fuck, fuck!
Are you all right, mate?
Get the fuck off me!
lt's all true Marty, l've seen the paperwork!
Take your trousers off. They need running under a cold tap.
Look, fucking get off me, Mum.
TELEVlSlON PLAYS
Sue?
Sue!
Bollocks!
Popcorn maker.
Who needs a popcorn maker?
Ha! Too bloody idle to walk to the shops, yet she spends God knows
how much on a badminton racket.
She's mentally ill.
Ooh, that's handy.
Maybe she and Marty were gonna be playing doubles.
Yeah, and if they were you'd find some way of stopping 'em.
Hey. Don't you make me out to be the villain in this.
She's the one who was selling Marty down the river.
How? How's she doing that Mum?
By making him happy? By stopping him >
setting fire to anything for longer than we can remember?
By keeping him out of fucking Strangeways? >
l can't do right by doing bloody wrong!
< l might have known not to expect any support from you.
Well you're right on that one. And think on, yeah.
lf Marty goes back inside, the Gallaghers'll be looking for new tenants.
And with any luck, >
Kev and me'll be turning spare room into a nursery.
So don't come crying to us when you need somewhere to live.
Six, is it?
Yep. This'll be seven.
Brewery needs telling.
Nowt wrong with the ale, Frank.
Look at Denzig, he's matched you pint for pint.
lt'll be them pills you're taking.
Fuck off. What kind of pills stop you getting pissed? What would be
the fucking point of that, Jez, eh, in your medical opinion?
l dunno. Treating alcoholics?
lf you can't get pissed, there's no point drinking.
How many Es can you give us Kev?
Marty!
Kev.
Let me go! Let me go!
Marty look, you know l can't. l promised Vee l'd keep an eye on you.
Let go of me! l've just gotta find her!
Please, Kev, please.
l think l'm gonna die.
l just wanna fucking torch the place!
All right. l tell you what,
l'll come with ya, yeah?
Her mum lives in Spain. That's where she'll have gone.
Whoa...Spain?
But l thought Sue had told me and Vee
that she hadn't spoken to her mam in ten years.
She's still family, isn't she?
lf you don't want to help us... Fucking bastard!
All right, all right! Oi, all right. Where do you wanna go?
To Spain!
No one wants us to be together, Kev!
Fucking hell!
Course we do! Course we do. And you will be, won't yer?
You don't fucking believe that.
No one does. l see 'em looking... Fucking loser!
l do as it happens. You've got something good. Don't bother what anyone else says.
lf you think Sue's in Puerto de la Rey,
you get in there, hand over your passport and pay
whatever it takes to go and get her.
Cos l'm telling you, you can't put a price on feelings.
- Oi. - l haven't got a fucking passport, have l?
< Fuck!
Fucking fuck of a fucking fucker!
< How you doin', Craig?
All right Kev.
Er, he's just come to talk.
You'd best come in.
You tried her nan's, in Preston? >
No.
Well, l wouldn't try ringing, she's a bit senile, but you could go round.
Think Sue'd probably go there before she'd go to her mum's.
She hasn't spoken to her mum for years actually.
Word of advice...
No, ta. Spunk face!
Just leave it, Marty. Let her go wherever she wants. You're well out of it, believe me.
You don't get it do yer? l love her. And she loves me.
Sue loves Sue. And owt with a bar code.
She'll give you the best blow job you've ever had, >
but if they opened her up, you'd find a cash register where her heart should be.
Believe me, her leaving you's the best thing that ever happened to yer.
My life started the day she walked out that door.
Come on, mate, let's go to Preston.
< You got the address?
He's a cunt!
Thanks. l owe you one.
Well, that's me and every catalogue company in the country.
Narky bugger.
What did you tell him?
Marty's gutted, you know.
You've broken his heart, the poor little bastard.
Well, l'm not going back. Wouldn't give Carol the satisfaction.
You'd better sort something out, yeah? One night, l said.
lf your nanna's that far gone she won't even notice you staying with her for a bit.
They're pink. All of 'em.
Live and learn.
< Can't wear pink to school.
There you are. Wait there a sec.
You know that old hippy-looking woman who lives at number 27?
< You know, the one whose house really stinks?
RSPCA finally raided her.
They were giving them away.
What am l, six?
Debs, wait! Look, l know we haven't
been pulling our weight and that but things are gonna change.
Lip's made a rota, what everyone's supposed to be doing.
Look! Mondays, Carl - breakfast, me - tidy up.
< You take Liam to school.
All different colours, see.
Gimme a break. How many rotas have l made for you lot?
And they never work cos l'm the only one that sticks to them,
and l end up doing everyone else's jobs.
So don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining.
What does that mean?
Oh, God he's over there. ls he looking?
Yeah, he's looking, don't look.
Here. Do you wanna sit on me face, sweetheart?
Or can l just come on your tits? >
You fucking perv!
Come near us again and me dad'll kick the fucking shit out of yer,
you paedophile bastard!
Oh, right(!)
Total paed.
So is he looking now?
Debbie.
Yeah.
Whoa, Franky boy! How's it shaking?
Well, it's not, is it? 60 quid on booze and Es and look at me - sober as a fucking judge.
Nice one!
Never knew the true meaning of that phrase till today -
sober as a fucking judge.
Jez! l know, long story, long...
Listen, there's more places in the world than fucking Preston.
She'll probably get in touch.
Why would she? Loser!
Come on! She's not that bad. She's probably just a bit freaked.
Think l'd fuck off for a bit if l owed that much money.
Mum said she was using me and she'd finally bled me dry.
l know! Just give us two minutes, Jez!
Look, no disrespect, but that cow wouldn't know
true love if it jumped up and bit her on the minge.
You really think she loves me, Kev?
Why else she been shagging you the past year? Your smooth talk and good looks?
Yeah, if l pay it all off for her, she'd come back, wouldn't she?
l'm gonna do it. l'll get another job, l know l can!
LAUGHTER
Tommy.
ALARM
ALARM SWlTCHES OFF
l got a lasagne in for tonight. l know you like it.
l'm working.
l could do chips with it 'n' all.
Not hungry. Selfish cuntl
l like lasagne.
Sweet Jesus, give me strength!
l said lasagne, not loaves and bloody fishes.
There you are.
You know, if you started wearing a toupee now, nobody'd know later on.
That was your dad's mistake, leaving it too late.
DOORBELL RlNGS
Sorry to hear about your partner, Mr Fisher.
Why, what have you heard?
No, it's nothing like that. My apologies.
l rang yesterday to speak to yourself and her about your first payment.
l spoke to a lady. l presume that was you.
That's right.
She told me that your wife had done a bit of a runner.
They're not married, thank God.
Right. Seeing as you're co-signatory to the loan, l thought...
What loan? What's she made you sign?
Nothing! lt's my business, Mum.
Down the shitholel So you mean that l've got to pay the lot?
Ha! What did l say all along the line?
She's played you for a giddy kipper, Martin Fisher.
How in heaven's name are you gonna pay off £12,000?
lt's time you woke up to yourself.
Fucking shut it, will yal
All my life, you rabbitting on, ''l told you so, Marty. He's not your friend, Marty.
''Wear a fucking toupee, Marty.'' l have had enough, right?
Hey!
Chill out. All right? All right?!
l'm chilled, l'm chilled, l'm cool! l'm chilled.
Psychopathl Sorry.
You've only got one mum. Remember that.
Fuck...l
Cockl
Fuckl Fuckl
Shit itl
Cuntl
How long have you been up?
This was your dad's, weren't it? Seat's totally gone.
New suite would change the look of this room.
When did we enter the fucking twilight zone?
One night, l said, until you sort something out, and you've already
been here two. Don't push it.
l can't stay at Nana's.
- lt's not my problem. - Craig, l've got nowhere to go.
l haven't forgotten how you like it.
Bloody good memory. What the fuck are you doing?
l'm not playing.
Christ's sake! Three years, we didn't shag while in this house
and now you've decided you fancy me again?
l know you've got no self-respect but this is really low.
l could do though, you know.
Haven't got laid in a while.
But l'd still kick you out afterwards. Come on, how about it?
Something for nothing for a change?
You bastard! Marty makes me come like a train!
Everybody's good at something. He's a disaster in every other way.
Fuck you, Craig! For your information, Marty...
You don't know the first thing about Marty, OK?
So you just sit on your dad's settee and judge the world,
if it makes you feel better. The hours must fly by.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, l forgot.
The reference numbers have come for the flight and hotel and that.
You don't get tickets any more. You just turn up at airport.
Oh, and Yvonne was saying
we're best taking our own teabags cos tea's really shit over there.
- What's up? - Nothing.
You've gone...
lt's hardly erotic! Talking about teabags when l'm giving you one?
Do you want me...?
You're all right. lt's like trying to put a slug in a slot machine.
What's going on, Kev?
Nothing. l'm knackered. Double shift and babysitting Marty all night.
lt were the same the other morning.
lt's not guilt, is it? You're not slipping it someone else?
No! lt's nothing like that.
Well, what?
Flying, OK?
l've got a fear of flying.
And every time l think about it or you talk about it,
l get fucking limp.
lt's a phobia, Veronica.
Fuck off, you jessie!
Fear of flying?!
There isn't an antidote, Mr Gallagher.
You're shitting me!
Well, the drug isn't toxic, but you have had some extreme reaction.
You'll just have to wait for it to clear your system.
How would you describe your reaction?
lt's like everything's...
..y'know...real.
Have a word, Marty?
What's going on?
Sue! Fucking bitch!
We need him to come down station.
What's he supposed to have done?
There's been an arson attack on the precinct down Adelaide Way.
Adelaide Way?
One of the shops got burnt out. All the hallmarks, l'm afraid.
Well, go on, tell 'em!
- Tell us what? - What?
He's been in Preston with me. Only came back for a change of clothes.
Nanna's had a stroke. When's it supposed to have happened, the fire?
Some time yesterday evening.
Well, l don't see how... We took it in turn to hold Nanna's hand
all through the night - not that she knew we were there, bless her.
l can give you the number of the hospital if you want to check.
lt's St Catherine's.
All right, love. Sorry, Marty.
Fucking pigs!
l said to Tony straight off, why the fuck would Marty want
to burn down a Poverty Action shop in the first place?
Fuck it!
Hey, brand new, that. We're not made of money.
l really appreciate it, you know,
you trying to torch the debt place for me.
Didn't do it for you, did l?
l did it for me, seeing you'd run out and left me in the shit.
But l'm back now, aren't l, eh?
l just needed a bit of time to sort my head out.
Don't!
Marty?
Can't we start again,
clean slate?
l know we've still got debt, but l just wanna put things right.
No point, is there?
lt's gone too far, all the lying.
We're finished, you and me.
Massive hard-onl
Right, yard sale.
We'll shift all this lot in no time. Debbie, you're with me.
Sorry, l'm off out.
Start tagging it up. Price it as high as you can.
People just think it's shit if you try to shift it for nothing.
Come on, get a move on! Right, l'll do it all meself then.
Marty!
Where did that come from?
Yard sale? After all she's landed on you,
you think selling a few bits and bobs'll sort it? You're even softer in the head than l thought.
Hard to believe, as you treat me like the world's biggest
fucking retard. Fuck!
lf you're having her back, Marty, l wash my hands of you, l really do.
Well, l am. lf you've got anything else to say, you can say it outside this house.
ln fact, you can pack your bags, OK?
Fuck off and die! We don't want you here.
Hello, cheeky chops.
Hello. Nigel...
There's more in the pot, if you want it.
You have been busy.
Eh, now we've got a minute, we can go through
that stuff my sister sent me for the wedding - you know, flowers?
What am l on about? These are the invitations. Replied, coming.
Replied - not coming.
Oh, abusive. We don't have to go through these yet.
Wouldn't it be terrible if we forgot someone?
Sheila, you're a very damaged woman.
You live in a fantasy world half the time, you have to
take a lorry-load of tablets just to get downstairs.
Why are you adding to your troubles by marrying me, eh?
Mr Right?!
l mean, if l'm the answer, what's the fucking question, eh?
l'm a waster, Sheila - always have been, always will be.
And you can chuck as many vol au vents as you like at it, love,
but it's not exactly made in fucking heaven, is it?
l never said vol au vents.
l never ordered vol au vents.
Why here?
Ah, fuck off! Change of scenery. Spice things up a bit, mm?
JET ENGlNES ROAR lN DlSTANCE
You're all right.
JET ENGlNES ROAR Aaaargh!
Get off!
Fucking hell, Veronica. What are you playing at?
Where are you going?
lt's what they do with phobias, ain't it? Remember that programme?
Like putting spiders on your arm when you're frightened of spiders.
l'm frightened of them up there!
Yeah, l know but...
No, no buts! lt's not natural!
They fucking crash!
They fucking crash.
We'll lose our £100 deposit.
l suppose you could ask your cousin Dave about his caravan.
Can l get you a drink, Frank?
That's very kind, Carol.
l'll have an orange juice.
No, no, no, no!
Oh, well...
lt's like shagging with a johnny on.
Course, it suits the pharmaceutical industries
to develop tools to control the masses, to deny them pleasure.
They'd put it in the water, if they could.
Then, once they've sterilised the lot of us...
Eh?
Not that l'd say no, at this point.
Oh, it's a long, long way
From May
To September
But the wind blows cold
When you reach November.
What?
l always thought you talked shite cos you were pissed.
No Sheila tonight, Frank?
Nah, l've blown it, haven't l, with Sheila.
Said things that were better left unsaid.
Well, you'd better make it right again.
Bed, board and someone to keep you company - you shouldn't knock it.
l've never knocked it, have l? l've just had enough of this wedding.
Well, you're not getting any younger, Frank. None of us are.
Mark my words, it's no joke being on your own at my age.
No.
Cos they stick you in a home
in front of the telly with a pair of incontinence pants on.
Never see them from one Christmas to the next.
Slice of turkey roll once a year - that's the only thing you've gotta look forward to.
And they have to cut it up for you,
cos they won't let you have your teeth in case you choke.
Smell of piss.
Bloke in the chair opposite, sat there trembling.
Home And Away on full volume.
Thanks, Carol, love. l will have a word.
Where's the settee?
Someone gave us a hundred quid for it.
Still only made shy of 700 quid.
A drop in the ocean, really.
Oh, you do surprise me(!)
l've got a proposition to put to you, as it happens.
l've been onto the Citizens Advice.
There's something called an lndividual Voluntary Arrangement.
They take care of your creditors, and you pay them back as much as you can.
Yeah, we've already been down that road, ta.
You've got cancellation rights.
lt's in the papers you signed.
28 days to change your mind.
So we're back to square one?
Marty is.
You're still £12,000 in the red.
This lndividual thingummy, it's all kosher, reasonable interest,
but you need security,
and l'm offering to stand it for you.
You? What with?
My house. The one Marty burnt down. Well, they built it again.
Finished in April. Got a good set of tenants in there.
Why?
You hate my guts.
You stay with Marty, five years, and l'll have a place to live.
Yeah, but Carol, you just said you've got a house.
No, it's lonely on your own.
Five years,
l'll stay with you, you stay with Marty, Marty stays out of trouble.
And then l get a credit rating again?
Like nothing's happened.
But you can't have a credit card while you're paying it off.
But Marty could, right?
Can l finger you?
- What's up with him? - l don't fancy him.
So?
So, l don't fancy him.
You don't fancy anyone.
You're right weird, you.
BURPS
Hallelujahl Hallelujahl
Hallelujah, hallelujah.
Hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujahl
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah...
FlREWORKS BANG AND CRACKLE
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah...
DOOR CLOSES
Hallelujah!
Frank Gallagher is back in the room!
Sheila, my love,
my bride-to-be.
Frank!
Ha-lle-lu-jah.
Pasta bake all right?
Great.
My turn on the rota.
Cheers.
Marty, make room for your mum, will you?
(Debbie) lt's a bit hot.
Where are the kittens?
Oh, l flogged them with the rest of me stuff.
l got a fiver for each of them.
This looks lovely. Carol?
There you go, Marty.
(Debbie) 'They say you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family.
'Which is a totally no-brainer, obviously.
'But if you could choose your family,
'l reckon you wouldn't choose anyone different.
'Cos if you did, and everything was all perfect,
'who could you blame when things went wrong?
'Just yourself, and that's got to be crap.'
(Marty) Bucket of spunk!
l was married before.
He's buried in the garden.
Leave the patio alone.
Fucking hell!
Party!
(Veronica) lt's your wedding day. lf you're not going to marry her,
you have got to tell her.
Fuck me!